Barney’s songs & poems

Nothing Suits Me Like A Suit

I know what you’re thinking

What’s Barney been drinking?
That girl was smoking hot

Yes I coulda nailed her
But no it’s not a failure
‘Cuz there’s one thing she is not

To score a ten would be just fine
But I’d rather be dressed to the nines
It’s a truth you can’t refute
Nothing suits me like a suit

Picture a world where all the girls and boys
Are impeccably well dressed
That delivery guy in the jacket and tie
That puppy in the double-breast

That ’80s dude in mutton chops
That baby with a lollipop
That lady cop who’s kinda cute
Nothing suits ‘em like a suit

Wingman I can wear
They’re oh so debonair
The perfect way to snare
a girl with daddy issues

In navy blue or black
Check out this perfect rack
I want to give them a squeeze

Oh really? Then answer these questions
If you please

What would you do if you had to choose
Between your suits and a pot of gold? Suits.

What would you say
If you gave your suits away
In return you’d never grow old? Suits.

What would you pick
One million chicks
Or a single three-piece suit? It’s moot.

What if world peace
Were within your reach … Abbadabada I’m gonna stop you right there. It’s suits. Come on, Lily. Get your head outta your ass.

Two! Three! Four!

Girls will go and girls will come
But there’s only one absolute
Every bro on the go needs to know
That there’s no accepted substitute

I’m sorry suits, let’s make amends
My Sunday best are my best friends
Send casual Friday down the laundry chute

‘Cuz nothing suits the undisputed oft-saluted suitor of repute
Like a …. wait for it …

Then again, she is pretty hot.

(Da Girls vs Suits –  HIMYM s05e12)

The Sexless Innkeeper

Twas the night before New Year
and the weather grew mean
It was three in the morning
and I was stranded in Queens!

The tavern grew empty
the gaslights grew dim
the horse-drawn carriages
were all but snowed in.

Last call was approaching
and my fortunes looked bleak
then I turned to my left
and stifled a shriek.

She had a peach fuzz beard
and weighed sixteen stone
She gobbled up hot wings
and swallowed the bones.

I muffled a scream
and threw up in my mouth
I asked, “where do you live?”
and she said, “one block south.”

I swallowed my pride
and six shots of whiskey
and prayed to the gods
that she wasn’t too frisky

Back in her cave
She prepared us a snack
‘neath her mighty hooves
the floorboards did crack.

But when she returned
she found a sound sleeper
and thus she became
the sexless innkeeper.

(Da “The Sexless Innkeeper” – HIMYM s05e04)

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